Here I lay in my bed. Thinking. Remembering. hurting. I can't help but think back on all the things i once had and that now are lost for good. Family, friends, lovers. In the space of less than a decade, I have lost most of those.
Both of my parents are gone. First, my mom: a hurt I didn't get over. At times I feel like looking at her, and I'm reminded of her beauty in dreams. Then I wake up and remember she is gone. I sometimes feel her close to me, but it's never enough. My father wasn't ideal, but it was what I had. Can't complain much, despite everything. I do not miss him as often as my mom, but I guess they are happy together elsewhere.
It does seem like I keep losing my dear friend Camilo. Be it his boy friend, boyfriends or himself, I kept on hurting cause he wasn't in my life. It is true I wanted much more than friendship, but the timing was not right and I regret some of things that happened, but I was proud of knowing him, enjoying his triumphs, his pains, his struggles. A couple of months ago, he deleted me from Facebook. It took me a whilw to realize why, but for the furst time, I told myself, I didn't care. Still trying to believe that one.
And lastly, the person who I believed loved me the most, after my mom, my beloved Edgar, finally succumbed to a HIV related illness. Almost fifteen years of history: gone. We might not have been close towards the end, but I still held on to the idea that we might have patched things up and start anew. Until his brother emailed me that day.
I am broken inside, but I go on not knowing nor caring if I will ever be whole again. I just go on, because I don't know anything else.
